Oh man...

It's sorta interesting to look back at your life and sum it up or say who you are. You wanna come off humble because you know how everybody sees themselves differently... still not answering the question yet. [laughs] Who am I...? My childhood was... my parents did a really good job of trying to put my interests first. Did you ever have to get schlucked along when your brother had something to do? My parents were really solid in that they let me go home. So it’s like they really did a good job of putting me first. However, there were experiences that I feel I missed out on because they were so nurturing. Things like going to camp: I didn't like getting dirty so they’re like, "Oh you don't have to go to camp, that's cool," but you know... then you kinda miss that. Now I'm what, 23, almost turning 24 and it'd be weird if I went to camp with a bunch of kids. I think the guy that you know now—sorta jokey, that stuff... I wasn’t always like this; I really didn't come out of my shell until nearly the end of middle school. Before then—super shy, very reserved. One of my birthday parties (and this might be sad, though also funny): see I was stoked for the Gamecube to come out, so I got Mario Party and... have you ever thrown a party where only half the people come? Have you ever thrown a party where you only invited two people and only one of them showed up? [laughs] It was something else, it was a time.

High school, kinda felt like things were falling into place a little bit. I didn't know what I wanted to be until maybe around Facebook? That sorta thing? Like I'm going to make an app, make a lot of money, all that sorta stuff... I never really considered myself someone who would work nine to five. Just do the one big thing, because to me... I value time really more than anything else in a way. I don't mind spending 30 bucks here and there, like almost in the way of shipping: do you wanna wait possibly two to three weeks for something or would you rather pay 50 bucks to get it the next day? That’s the same way I view time; I view my time as something worthwhile. I didn't want to be committed to somewhere like the place I used to work, where I had to commute—losing eight hours a day basically. So that was a struggle... but in high school I was really high on myself and thought the world was my oyster.

Come university—same sorta thing. I would say that the nurturing cycle of my parents carried over into university. My first year was very much lazy—do the bare minimum and game the system. For example, professors want different things: so I would do what the professor wanted, and get nothing out of it myself... but hey, I did well on my G.P.A. Anyways, I felt like I was living under my parents thumb a little bit and then come third year: got a girl pregnant, have a baby... and that completely shifts your entire priorities. It sorta became like now... time wasn't yours, time was for your kid... and so, time where you wanna work out or play games or meet with friends—that became time dedicated to your kids. With anything difficult before, I’d just be like, "Get out of the way!" I felt like having a kid was the first time I did something that had consequences... or like, that had an impact. I think that was for the better, because it shifted me to the person I am now: to be more empathetic to others, to be more self-aware and caring and actually give a shit. I think that sorta... that was the start of me turning into the person that was responsible, and that wanted to lift other people up as well. And that’s sort of the person that you met, when you started working with me. [smiles]

Where did you go from there? How were you able to pivot as gracefully as you did?

So basically from there, my dream went away, just got be like, "Hey come on man get it together." I was really worried about getting a job after uni, and that’s where I started working as a tech support agent and eventually, lead. They initially asked for me to work at the start of the second semester, but I couldn't leave and NOT go to school. I mean that’s worse than not having a job, cause I had to finish my degree. So I was just like, "Why don't I start later?" They said, "Okay come back we'll call you later." Fast forward into March and they're like, "Okay, we have another job offer for you." At this point I felt like I deferred them once already—I can't do it again. So I took the job, started working in April, but school still didn't end for a couple of months. I just stopped going to classes. So while I was being trained, I was actually writing my philosophy papers, other papers, all that stuff—it was a total hustle. So in short the pivot was, "Get working."

I felt like the father figure should be responsible, be the bread winner. It's a very outdated outlook you’d think, but at your core, you still feel like you want to take care of this thing that’s yours—you don't wanna rely on others. That was kind of the outlook... that’s why I jumped to the first job that came my way and worked really hard towards being able to work from home. Then eventually... basically two years of grinding at that job, having that focus of being the bread winner being ingrained in your mind; my girlfriend at the time, Zoe's mom was like over it, right? You choose between: being a good dad, being a good worker, being a good partner. Well I'm like, "I need to be a good worker because I needed to work from home... need to make more money... need to be a good parent because I value being a good parent," and then... you lose it [Zoe’s mother]. It's kind of like that, "Sleep, study, friends," triangle you get when you were a student. So that was something that... of the three, pick two. I had to pick two. In hindsight I feel like I put too much into that job, but I have always been ambitious since having a kid because I want her to have the life I had, and when you’re single at the start of your career, you need to work really hard to get to the salaries my parents had when I was Zoe's age. So I'm always thinking, "How can I give her the things that I had as a kid?" That’s what motivates me.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would you invite to a dinner party?

I think if I could choose, I would probably choose both my grandfathers and invite my family as well. Kind of like... I mean hopefully they're not zombies. I kinda felt like they were role models—really big role models in my life. My mom's dad, my grandfather on my mom's side... he actually wasn't even my biological grandfather; they remarried years before I was born, but they always treated me like I wasn't any different. He liked baseball, I liked football, but he pretended to like football his entire life, and he watched football just so he could talk to me about it. Like that’s the kind of guy he was and he would never let you know. So I think that I would love to be able to sit down with him and get to reflect on where I am now. That and also my dad’s dad cause he was really funny, he was really cool, he always treated people with respect and both of them always dressed in suits all the time, it's like come on, we love our Jewish men.

For what in life are you most grateful for?

Probably would be the people around me, because I'm a product of my environment and circumstances. I think from my nature, I'm somebody that... there was that quote by Anthony Bourdain, gosh I hope I said his name right. He had a quote like, "Everyday I'm struggling with the guy in my head that's saying, 'Stay in bed and do nothing'". Like that’s me at my core, everyday it's really hard for me to want to get out of bed... but, the people around me... Zoe inspires me to want to be a better father. To work harder, be better to myself, be fit so I can carry her on my shoulders... girlfriend wants to hang out, wants to see new things: take her places. Or even my friends: Danny, inspiring me going to a coding bootcamp and become a full-stack guy. Like even old close co-workers right? I'm one of the people that... see I don't necessarily... you know how theres that tacky saying about looking backwards and being than you were yesterday? I think that’s true, sure, and I like that, but it's also looking at people around you and making sure that you’re all moving up and like... you don't want to be the Yamcha, you don't want to be him. You want to be Goku.

If you could change anything in how you were raised, what would you change?

I kind of wish my parents were a little less coddling: in the sense that I lived like 15 minutes from school, but they wouldn't let me walk home until I was in high school. We’re a family that watched a lot of Law and Order, C.S.I., America's Most Wanted, so my dad is very protective and that sorta thing. I wish they had taken their foot off the gas a lil' bit, because it strayed me away from wanting to date anyone. It's just like, "Great I get to invite my dad too to this date." So kind of... I wish I had a bit more freedom to make my own mistakes as opposed to, "Don't do this don't do that."

If you could wake up one day, gain any any ability or character trait, what would that be?

For me, Spiderman's like that coolest hero... buuut I don't really want to fight villains. There could be other heroes, but like if I'm the only hero it's whatever. I think it would be cool to fly? Just cause you don't have to deal with traffic anymore. But I think the power I’d want to have is just to be more self-assured, which is pretty level-headed. I feel like as a coder, you kinda always deal with that imposter syndrome. I'd like to get rid of that—have more confidence in myself. The whole motto is like, "Always self-improve." For me I never feel like I'm good enough no matter what, and I kinda don't wanna show it.

What do you value most in your friendships? Can you describe a best friend?

I think the thing I value the most... the most common trait is that you can pick up where you left off with someone, without any awkwardness. No forcing a conversation just like, "Hey man!" It's kinda funny that every single one of my best friends... it's always like, "Yo beautiful, hey handsome," very homo-erotic. I’d probably say that... having THAT, it's basically just a continuous lull. A lot of my friends, since I had a kid would start a message on Facebook or text. I don't even reply for a day, or a couple of hours, cause I read it, and Zoe needs me and I forget. So it's one of those things... I appreciate those friends that have that patience that are willing to wait for me, and then also can pick up and kick it with me.

What do you think your greatest accomplishment?

I think that it's gonna be tacky, but probably Zoe... it's pretty obvious. You kinda live a little bit vicariously through her, but there's something special. I don't know if you want kids, or even if you had a dog before, it's kinda like the same thing. Have you ever trained your dog how to do something? I guess what I'm trying to say is, you take your kid to daycare right? She comes back and she's like, "Hi dad," and normally it would be whatever... but she never said that before, like doing a greeting was something totally foreign. Every time, you never know what she's going to say or do, so you really appreciate that cause like.... that’s her! And she's growing, she's learning and she's becoming so much better. That to me, is my greatest accomplishment—everything she does, I'm proud of, and it's mine!

What is your most treasured memory?

I think another moment probably with Zo. When your kid is born, typically they want milk, diaper change, blah-blah-blah, and I wasn't with it. When she was born, I wasn't really the person that I am now. For the first year, I would say that we weren't super close because she always wanted to be with her mom. I mean like I got boobies, but I don't got milk. [grabs his boobies] So it’s like, you kinda feel useless... she would let me rock her to sleep and everything, but beyond that, she wanted her mom more than me. And so the most heartwarming moment was probably the time where she's a bit over one. Mom's at work... she had to go back to work and so because of that, Zoe and I had more time to bond, I had no choice now but to change her diapers and clean her poo. You don't have a choice anymore, you have to do it. So at that point, being more involved, moreso than I was before, and taking care of her... she's all, "Daddy, I want daddy," that was the first time she ever did that, it was very... vindicating. I was like, awww, that’s when we started to really bond. Like obviously you always love your kid no matter what, but it finally felt mutual. It was a rockstar moment.

What was your most terrible memory?

Yeah so probably would've been finding out about about pregnancy—it's something that I don't forget. It's ingrained in my head because she was throwing up and all the signs were all, "Oh maybe she's sick." It's like, no way, right? So then I went to my class, took a selfie with the boys, whatever. I remember that one day really well and it just... now I'm thinking like, "Man this is a fork in the road: either my life is going to keep going on the path that's been going my entire life... avoiding issues and nurturing, or it's going to go this other path," right? So what ended up happening was we went to... did you ever go to the Dundas Square? Basically we went into the shoppers below AMC, grabbed like a couple of tests because you can never know and right there it's like a Five Guys. So I gave her the pregnancy test and told her to use the bathroom over there, or over there. She comes out and she starts crying so you have to be like, "Are these tears of joy or tears of not good?" We didn't even eat that night; we got the food before because we were going to celebrate the "good news". But we went back to my place, which was a shitty area and then at that point... it was one of the hardest things because she was very Christian. Like she thought she could never get pregnant blah-blah-blah, it was very out of left field and she had this whole thing about it at the time. We were thinking adoption or something and she was like, "No I want to keep it," and so then you kind of have this realization that you're powerless... completely.

When I had my accident it was fine. I wasn't hurt he wasn't hurt, my parents could deal with it... get me a lawyer something and then boom, I didn't even need to go to court and I was let off no hassle right? It wasn’t even my fault in the end. In this case, there was nothing anyone could do besides her, so you feel totally powerless and that was sort of a feeling that you never want to feel. I think I just sat in the bathtub... cold water, nothing. I just started crying and reflecting on how I fucked up. I told my friends, the people that I surrounded myself with; the people that I don't consider friends really now. They were saying things like, "Ohh your life's over because if you split up she's on child support for forever, or you stay there with her and you can never be happy." That was the part of my friends circle that kind of fed into this negativity. I then realized there were people I could really account for: there were people that were like, "No it's fine. Don’t worry, you're not 16 and pregnant like teen mom, you're 20, you're whatever, you’re almost finished your university degree, you can get a job pretty easily and you'll be fine." Having those kind of people around, the kind of showed me the light a little bit really helped me out. Yeah because I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was... telling my mom wasn't super bad... though it was a bad idea to tell her as she was driving. Having to tell my dad was really hard, my mom said: "If you tell your dad make sure it's been three months," cause like a Jewish thing you don't want to... curse the pregnancy or whatever. He then asked the two A's, like abortion or adoption? It's like, "Whoa dad I have no control over it," so it's one of those things where you kind of support whatever the decision is, and I'm really happy with the decision that we went with.

So I spent the entire day with him playing badminton, we did exercise, went out to eat, blah-blah-blah and the whole day I'm thinking like, "I gotta tell him." It's like the thing in your throat and you just can’t. So then we're just going for a walk... walking my dog with him and I was like, "Hey dad, she's pregnant," and then he's says, "Oh, good luck." Like that was his response, he said, "I have 40 years of life experience on you if you need anything." That's the kind of parents I have; other parents would've kicked their kids out of the house. So I moved back home—I didn't want to have that living expense. Yeah so I think that in the long run that's where my environment really gives me opportunities to cultivate myself, whereas I might not have been as fortunate with other parents. It was definitely the hardest time in my life, but I felt so much stronger after that and I'm so thankful that things went the way they did.

Can you share an embarrassing story?

So I was at Screamers, [haunted houses] and they had this sort of... this ride. It was one of those things like The Cyclone at Wonderland where they spin you and whatever... it was Screamers so we're talking shit quality. So I was there with my girlfriend at the time and her family and friends. We're all sitting in this thing, and the person beside me is sort of... large and in charge, a little thick. Anyways, what happened was... the ride goes, everyone's fine and you know I don't really even like rides, but it's fine. You’d think something funny happens on the ride, but nooo, it happens afterwards. [smiles] So the way you sit in the seat... let me paint a picture for you: think of it almost like... you have a little thing in your legs, I want to say something like a booster seat that kids have. So it's here wrapped around sort of your legs a little bit, and the way you get out of the chair is... you push that down, and you hop off the chair, like a bunny hop, right? So what ended up happening was I was pushing down on my seat, getting up... then the thick... person, is standing up at the same time. The thing is that when they got up, the WHOLE ride shot up, and I, uh... the little booster thing went right into my nuts. So I ended up going boom, and I face planted... and now everyones laughing at me. I was in so much pain... it was brutal, and it was a time. But yeah... that was the most embarrassing thing. I kinda lost my breath, it was kind of a winded thing, like man I just got a vasectomy basically... it was a wild one.

If you were to die this evening, with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you regret not having told someone?

I don't think I show enough appreciation for my parents, or for everyone. In a sense, I try to be pretty stoic at times. It's easy to be laughing, make jokes and be happy, it's harder to be heavy hitting with emotions. But I regret not being, "Hey dad I love you, hey mom I love you," because when my grandpa died on my mom’s side... like he called all the grandchildren into the room and say good-bye. At that point, he just wanted to talk to someone or whatever, cause like... kind of waiting to go. My regret then: you don't know what to tell somebody that knows they're gonna die. You try to have a normal conversation, or you say things that's basically their eulogy for them. So at the time, I decided to do a basic conversation like, "How bout them Blue Jays?" and "I have this cool business idea". And he's kinda funny at the time, cause he's like, "Next," he's bored of the conversation. So I kind of regret not saying, "Hey I appreciate everything you’ve done for me... just so you know." Giving him that reassurance, I regret not doing that, and I don't want to regret doing that with other people. I appreciate you Danny.

Your house, containing everything that you own catches fire, after saving loved ones and pets, you have time to make a final dash to save one item, what would that be?

Probably my laptop cause theres so much porn in it and I don't want to download it again. [laughs]

Share a personal problem that you’re going through right now, and how you plan on remedying that

Ouuu, thats toasty. I don't know if I have anything super super deep going on. I’ve got my fair share of problems that anyone else has, right? I think just job hunting is probably just my biggest problem: I have so much anxiety about finding a job, because it’s sorta weird... it feels like I'm in this vacuum, or this void. You’re trying to reach out, you feel almost hopeless, maybe they'll get back, maybe they won't... am I really that good of a coder? Did I waste my time and money doing this? But I know I wasn't happy where I was before, so part of the solution is gonna be... see I know Sasha [career coach] knows everything: you have to go to meet-ups, you have to go for coffees, you gotta add people on LinkedIn and connect with them that way. I know that I’ve been shooting myself in the foot because I’ve been sticking within my comfort zone, I’ve been messaging people I already know, I haven't been trying to make new contacts, I’ve been applying to jobs on job postings, on websites, and getting internal referrals from people I know. I haven't been going to meet-ups right? I've had some success, but I haven't had a job. So you can say you’ve taken steps, but you haven't been successful in my eyes. So I thought I’d give it a month and do it my way, if it didn't work, I'd try it her way. So that’s sorta my thing, I needed to... sort of going back to my parents not letting me make my mistakes and be wrong. I need to be wrong in order to see that I was wrong, and then listen to someone sometimes. I think I'm better at it now than I was before. Even maybe a year ago, I didn't need you to prove anything for me to listen to you, but in this case, I just felt like I felt super confident in my abilities to find something. It's hard, but I think I have a good idea of what to do. It's just that, it's hard to go about doing that: to commit, go downtown or something... I feel exhausted after, but I’ve got this.